My wife has not been herself lately.
In fact, I suspect she’s been hiding something from me for quite some time. I ultimately began to suspect that something was up weeks ago, but it has only been recently conformed what’s been ailing her – my wife is a closet Sun Ra junkie.
That’s right!
My better half is addicted to obnoxious honking and squonking; the likes of which, only Sun Ra can deliver.
Of course she will never admit it openly; the shame only goes without saying. Where I had originally figured that Kelly was simplye into something much more innocent and casual, like drinking or gambling, or maybe dressing up in fuzzy costumes and rolling around in vats of mayonnaise …
… in reality, it was much more depraved than that.
Never would I ever have figured how deep my lovely yet perverted bride had gone down the Sun Ra rabbit hole.
OH THE HUMANITY!!
At first I had no reason to suspect anything was up at all, she would complain at all playing of Sun Ra albums from my collection. And nobody would blame her because, seriously, there’s not a lot of Sun Ra aficionados out there … except for my wife.
She absolutely joneses for her Sun Ra.
Who is Sun Ra you ask? Who’s this weirdo my wife is so Hell bent on listening to?
Well, this dude:
Yeah … he’s just a tad “out there”.
In fact, he claims to be from the planet Saturn. Which makes sense given his particular brand of “jazz music” feels like it’s from outer-fucking-space.
You can see then why I’m so worried.
I figure she waits until I’m asleep at night before carefully and stealthily – like a ninja – creeping out of the bedroom to put some Sun Ra on the turntable quietly, and then through headphones, proceeds to get lost in the frenetic cacophony of electronic squawks, squelches and crashing cymbals while the rest of us sleep away unaware of the demonic avant garde jazz orgy going on in our living room.
It gives me the shivers just thinking about it.
Shit, she’s probably planning her next fix of Sun Ra right now her appetite is so uncontrollable.
That’s begs the question then: is there a Sun Ra rehab somewhere?
A safe place with padded walls that I can check her into that will ween her off the hard stuff (Sun Ra) and help her overcome her perversion by perhaps playing Barbara Streisand records or something, I don’t know … but anything is worth a shot at this point.
Otherwise, I might just have to put her out of her misery myself.
God help me.
God Help Me! 