Lately, I have been getting a lot of photographs from a retired drinking buddy Nurse Mike, err “GARN” (of the “Big Box of Records” fame—click HERE) , who is currently south on what looks to be a relaxing bicycle trip into Pasco County along the Coastal Anclote Trail, which runs along the Anclote River from somewhere near Tarpon Springs in Florida, westward towards the Gulf of Mexico. By all accounts and pictures that he’s sent so far, the trip looks very scenic, warm and lovely—the exact antithesis of how my own rides look these days.
GARN’s photos, of course, display nice rolling vistas and scenic vantage points, as well as all the inviting brew pubs and restaurants that they’re inevitably stopping off at along the way.
Sounds glorious, right?
Lovely even.
Yeah, well, here’s what I have to say about that GARN ‘ol buddy:
Honestly, I’m spinning my balls off in -6° temperatures at 6:00am in the bloody morning in the middle of January.
How excited do you think I am to see your pictures of cactus, manicured parks and fucking eagle nests?
Umm, how about FUCK NO!
DING! DING! DING!
We have a winner!
So just for shit’s and giggles, I’d thought I’d share with you some of the amazing highlights from my own bike ride this morning.
Now if you recall, here is my current view from the saddle each morning:
Which is quite an improvement considering that this used to be the old view:
That shit was like slowly boring holes into your own eye sockets with a dull drill bit.
However, the new view is still pretty darn tedious too given the obvious, flagrant and inexcusable abomination that’s staring me directly in the face for the entire 45 minute workout.
You don’t see it?
How about now?
Ghastly, isn’t it?
For the entire spin this morning all I could think of was: “how long before I can get off this damn bike and fix that shit?!”
No OCD going on here!
Of course, there’s also this big, glowing orange ball of heat to stare into as well:
That’s fun too, amiright?
Not exactly glamorous of course, but it does serve two very important purposes: 1) it stops me from becoming hypothermic, and 2) if you stare directly into it for long enough you can almost use it to successfully hypnotize yourself into believing that what you’re doing is actually beneficial.
(Disclaimer: it isn’t)
From the saddle to my right there’s the other essentials to my morning spins: a pair of pliers, my nearly defunct Garmin, a bottle of water, and a steaming hot cup of coffee:
Oooooo. Aaaaaaaa.
It’s hardly National Geographic worthy, is it?
And beyond that, there’s my corner cabinet of odd collections including clothesline pulley’s, a bucket of wooden spoons, some extension cords and gas cans, a ladder and a few buckets of random iron and scrap metal crap. Oh, and then there’s my big bucket of plastic bait station keys and an old glass jar full of used swim goggles:
I bet you didn’t see those along the Anclote Trail, did ya buddy?
HELL’S NO!
Looks southward behind me, there’s the garage recycling station:
Not to mention my snowblower, a large roll of burlap, and an old Subway menu board that I’m going to refinish into something else—eventually—and ash bucket full of birdseed, a bait station and overhead, two other bikes that I am not currently riding and have conveniently stored away for the winter:
Instead of dropping off at local pubs and restaurants, here is my current refuelling station:
Sadly, there is no ‘bike-side’ service at this dump either.
God help me.
God Help Me! 