When I gave up my bachelorhood I knew that it would inevitably mean many changes. I fully understood that there would need to be a certain amount of conforming on my part, if you will. Hey, living with two girls is, well, it’s just different. It’s not bad, mind you, it’s just that I have to be more conscientious about the things that I might not have hesitated to do as a single guy in my own natural habitat (i.e. my old bachelor pad). Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret this decision, in fact, my life is better for having made this change, but there are still times I miss being a dude, a man’s man, or whatever you want to call it.
But, luckily, I still have the opportunity to partake in all the little things that I used to take for granted. You see, usually every other weekend I am left to my own devices when Kelly goes to work and little HRH is off visiting her dad. These weekends are glorious in that I can feel free to indulge – unobstructed mind you – in my proud masculinity; without judgment, without ridicule, and without a “Hey, shouldn’t you put your pants on?” These are days to truly celebrate.
I call these special occasions ‘Man Day’…queue the angel choruses.
On ‘Man Day’ there are certain rules. Kind of like my own ‘Ten Commandments’, except way cooler and much less inhibiting. These rules, while definitely important, will also ensure that my personal holiday will be a complete success from morning to night providing me with every opportunity to embrace and worship my inner beast, lest I start to buckle under the extreme weight of two weeks’ worth of femininity and my shit totally starts to slide off its cracker. In short, it keeps me sane.
These all-haloed rules-slash-commandments for ‘Man Day’ are:
1. Thou shalt sleep in until 9:30am.
Lord knows I get up early(ish) most days either to run, hit up the pool, go to work, take the kid to school, or whatever. On ‘Man Day’, life does not begin until after 9:30am…preferably 10:00am.
2. Thou shalt wear thy pajama pants until noon.
Who am I trying to impress? Usually, I don’t even brush my hair until after lunch.
3. Thou shalt take ones time at the gym.
No need to hurry the sets in order to rush off and pick up the child from ‘Kids Club’, or be home to thaw out the chicken for dinner when the girlfriend gets home, on ‘Man Day’ it’s about me and the heavy iron. That means no “Please be home by…” Heck, I might even read the newspaper.
4. Thou shalt fart, burp and scratch openly and without shame.
For centuries man has expressed himself through his diverse cacophony of gastro eruptions. Just because girls don’t speak (or appreciate) our unique and intricate language, doesn’t mean we should lose touch with it either. I consider myself bi-lingual in this regard; fluent in both English and Male.
5. Thou shalt spend at least two hours on the couch worshipping at least one of the ‘Patron Saints of Man Day’: Clint Eastwood, Jean Claude Van Damme, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Harrison Ford.
Yes, Harrison Ford! He’s Han-freakin-Solo for God sakes! Indiana Jones? Hello?
6. Thou shalt consume copious amounts of protein; grilled and otherwise.
It’s the perfect way to satisfy our primal manly instinct to build fires and roast small animals over them.
7. Thou shalt forgo the salad; preferably for more protein.
You never saw drawings on cave walls of men sitting around eating salad did you? Likewise, there was never anything known in history as the ‘Great Salad Hunt’ was there?
8. Thou shalt poop with the bathroom door open afterwards.
It’s a man thing. Sorry girls, it happens, what with all the digesting protein working through our systems and everything. Besides, being bottled up in close quarters with all that fetid stink is simply too much to bear. We’re likely to have an aneurism or something and that’s no way to celebrate the holidays!
9. Thou shalt play ones AC/DC at volumes which might make your ears bleed.
Forget Bruno Mars, Taylor Swift, Celine Dion, or whatever it is you might be forced to tolerate when the girlfriend is around until your penis shrivels up into dust, on ‘Man Day’, it’s all about the rock and roll. Play it loud and play it proud.
10. NO DISNEY CHANNEL! Ever. Period.
Seeing as how I watch more ‘Jesse’, ‘Good Luck Charlie’, and ‘Wizards of Waverly Place’ than any man should ever have to endure, on ‘Man Day’, the Disney Channel is as off limits as chemicals weapons are in the Geneva Convention (refer to Commandment #5).