Remember as kids when Sears, or maybe Eatons if you’re old like me, released their Christmas Wish catalog? All the kids just couldn’t wait to get their hands on it an ogle all the possible new toys that Santa might come through with…if we were lucky. I remember locking myself in my closet away from my siblings prying eyes with a flashlight as soon as I could wrestle it away from my mother’s clutches and furiously circle all the desired items I could ever hope to find under the tree on Christmas morning – *sigh* – good times.
Well, that ritual is still very much alive and well with HRH. Except, nobody ever gets an actual paper catalog delivered to their mailbox nowadays, oh no, you have to go online now to view the new Christmas inventory instead. Like this child doesn’t spend enough time glued to her electronic gizmo’s as it is. Anyway, that’s her custom. Kelly plops her in front of the laptop with the new Sears website and she browses all the new tchotchkes and whatnot and then bookmarks them to add to her letter to Santa later; same principle, different technology.
‘Oh, the times they are a-changin’.
Anyway, it’s funny to see what grabs an eight-year-olds attention nowadays. Back when I was that age I was all into my Star Wars and G.I. Joe like any other red-blooded boy my age, where my sister had her Barbie’s, Cabbage Patch Kids and My Little Ponies. I guess I was kind of expecting to see the same with HRH. You know…girly stuff. But, oh no! That would be too easy. Instead, she wants this:
A magic mood lamp.
Sure, she reads “Orbeez Magic Mood Lamp”, but what I see is a huge God awful neon purple dick. Should I be worried? Seriously, look at that thing! It would make Jenna Jameson more than a little uncomfortable. Shit, I feel dirty just looking at it.
Now, forget for a moment its inherent penis shape, what does an eight-year-old need with a mood lamp anyway? The catalog offers this as an answer: “Just fill with Orbeez and watch as it magically lights up and changes color from one stunning transformation to the next.” Really? I had a mood lamp back in University and we used to do just that too, but I also know what states of mind we were usually in at the time. What’s she going to do? Chug down a little ‘No More Tears’ and retire to her room to trip the light Fandango before bedtime?
“Like, totally wow, man”.
God help me.