Farts Are Funny

(Disclaimer:  Honey, this is not written about or geared towards you in any way.  Before you, I dated some total wack jobs that did not immediate accept my inner quirks with open loving arms as you have, and whom I can see perpetrating and supporting this kind of man bashing below.  Know that when it comes to you directly, ‘I wuv you and think you’re absolutely perfect!’)

I admit it: burps and farts are funny.  They always have been, and always will be.  And, quite honestly, anyone who thinks that trapped air in your gastrointestinal tract escaping out ones anal cavity doesn’t immediately qualify itself as outright hilarious, well, let’s just say that it’s clearly that that particular person is one humorless son-of-a-bitch.

Having said that, a new study commissioned by the Nickelodeon UK just went viral and has determined that there is a reason for this, namely, men don’t rightly mature until the age of 43 unlike girls who mature at the age of 32 – nearly 11 years earlier.  Now, forget for a moment that this “serious research” was conducted by the same Nickelodeon who specializes in children’s broadcasting; this assumption was determined on the claim from women who tend to argue that “men never stop being childish” (an overwhelming 80% as a matter of fact!).  I’m sure there’s no bias being assumed here, right?

But whatever the case, apparently, there are about 30 prominent signals cited by women as telltale signs as evidence that their men are exhibiting classic immature behavior.  Oh really?  Let’s take a look at some of his immature behavior shall we?

1. Finding their own farts and burps hilarious – I’ve already stated that this a ridiculous notion supported by misguided heathens who seem to justify their heightened sense of hilarity by renting Russel Brand movies.  I don’t claim to be the next Woody Allen but, dammit, give me a good old-fashioned tuckus toaster any day.

2. Sniggering at rude words – Hehehe…‘Snigger’.

3. Retelling the same silly jokes and stories when with the lads – Hey, funny is funny.  Besides, some of these ‘silly jokes and stories’ sure beat listening to girls relate the latest gossip they overheard down at ‘Jojo’s Hair Salon & Nail Boutique’.  What’s more immature, I ask you?

4. Owning a skateboard or BMX – I don’t own either but, I do own a road bike, a time trial bike and a mountain bike.  It’s an investment in my healthy lifestyle.  Would you rather I bowl?

5. Hating books/reading because of short attention span/they’re boring – What is it girls think we’re doing behind that closed bathroom door for an hour at a time?  Wait…never mind.  In my case, I’m reading the latest edition of Runners World, Bicycling, or whatever historical non-fictional biography I’m currently interested in.  Just because we don’t want to join your weekly book club and be forced into reading some popular coming of age story about a transgender Hassidic Jewish girl, doesn’t mean we don’t like to read.

6. Litter – Really?  Because I’ve seen my fair share of cigarette butts being flicked out of moving car windows by women while I’m out riding my “immature” bicycle.  Just sayin’…

7.  Wearing saggy crotched jeans – While I agree that this particular fashion style has got to go, I don’t think it’s any more a sign of immaturity than the three-sizes-too-small, see-through leopard print halter top with little purple short shorts that display more crack than a plumber’s convention that I’ve seen some women wearing in public. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

8.  Not eating vegetables – Maybe it’s not the vegetables we’re avoiding but rather your cooking.  Again, just sayin’…  I’m currently very lucky now with my girlfriend who is a wonderful cook, but in the past I have dated someone for whom boiled tomatoes and mayonnaise was a preferred side dish.  Personally, I’ll take the syringe of Cyanide every time.

9.  Don’t like talking about themselves / having proper conversations – Define “proper conversations”.  Oh, you mean the classic “what are you thinking right now”  types of conversations?  You’re right, most men will avoid this line of dialogue like the plague and rightly so.  Just because we don’t want to discuss the inner working of our psyches over decaf latte’s at Starbucks doesn’t automatically mean we’re not being conversational. We’d just rather talk about more important stuff, like burps and farts.

10. Trying to beat children at games – Damn straight!  How else are the little buggers going to taste humility and strive for future improvement?  Besides, since we typically let our girlfriends win at just about everything else, why then should we also not take what rare opportunities we are given at victory elsewhere?

11.  Staying silent during an argument – Maybe we’re just trying to get a word in edgewise when you next come up for air.  Or rather, everything we say just seems to be thrown back in our face anyway so why add more fuel to the fire?  I’ve dated some real spitfires in this regard where remaining silent was simply the best strategic ground rather than endlessly debate the theatrical merits of one Sandra Bullock and end up sleeping on the couch.

12.  Wearing running shoes to night clubs – Yeah, because wearing over-sized high heels and then bitching about sore feet, blisters and poor circulation is definitely the more mature thing to do.

13. Wearing cartoon pajamas or having a cartoon bedspread – Hey, you don’t rip on my ‘Optimist Prime’  jammies and I’ll turn a blind eye to your ‘Hello Kitty’  everything else.  Besides, if George Stroumbouloulos or Charlton Heston had signature pajamas or bedspread, I’d probably buy them instead.  But they don’t.  So deal with it.

14.  Trying to do wheelies/stunts on their bikes – Funny, because if I were to do the same thing in a pair of sparkly leotard while wearing a pair of figure skates you’d probably think that was catch of the century.  Except I’d probably also be screaming gay and not into you anyway.  So count your blessings.

15.  Eating fast food at 2:00am – Oh, and were you offering to cook me something instead?

There are other examples of this immaturity – driving with loud music, playing videogames, practical jokes (seriously, you’re kidding me right?), et al., – but it gets tedious trying to make sense, much less argue against it all.  Besides, debating any of this further is only going to be interpreted as further validation of my immaturity anyway so I’m going to forget it all, let rip with a ‘left cheek sneak’, burp and revel in my overtly mature maleness.

God help me.


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1 Comment

  1. Kelly

     /  June 18, 2013

    what’s wrong with bowling ??? ;P


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