“Shut Up and Eat!” It’s What’s For Dinner

Lord knows I have an appetite.  I eat, like, everything…with very few exceptions.  Hell, I’m likely to eat road kill if you season that bad boy up nice and serve it with a complementary beverage.  Well, maybe not Brussel sprouts.  I fucking hate Brussel sprouts.  So if I ever respond with “Oh hells, no!”  to the offer of any particular food, you just know if has to be rather nasty, and it was with this exact resounding sentiment that I issued that very same statement of revulsion to my girlfriend when she suggested ‘Klik’ for dinner one night.

Yes, it actually opens with a key.

Yes, it actually opens with a key.

What’s ‘Klik’ you might ask?  Well, allow me to enlighten you some.  Klik, as it turns out, is canned meat…ham specifically.  I shit you not.  It’s pig in a can.  Here are the ingredients on the label:

Pork, mechanically separated pork, water, modified corn starch, soy protein, salt, sugar, sodium phosphate, sodium erythorbate, sodium nitrite.  Contains soy and corn.  Manufactured in a facility that uses wheat and MSG.

“Mmm, can I have seconds of the mechanically separated pork?” 

“Oh boy, I sure loves me some sodium erythorbate!”

Said nobody…EVER.

Sounds delish, right?  Previously, my only association with meat of the canned variety came from watching Slingblade when we learned how much Karl really enjoyed his discounted potted meat over hot man-on-man action.


No way.  Nuh uh.  Not me.  No how.  Never!

Well, truth is, I was given very little choice in the matter when I returned home one evening to discover that Kelly had in fact picked some up and was serving it along with pierogies for dinner.  ‘Shut up and eat!’  has always been our family dinner motto but, making matters worse, HRH  was absolutely pie in the sky delighted at the prospect.  Now, when your average fussy eight-old-year is excited to eat something that resembles pressed dog food for dinner, be afraid.  Be very afraid.  But I can’t exactly turn my nose up at it either given that I also try to encourage her to try new things before instantly deciding it’s ‘gross’.  Frig.  Painted myself into a corner there, didn’t I?  So what other choice did I have but suck it up and eat?  Angioplasty be damned, I guess.

I like to think that miracles do in fact exist in this world, and if ever they did, one was certainly present at that particular dinner table on that particular night for, as much as it pains me to say it, it was freakin’ delicious.  I’d love to tell you that the 25%  saturated fat, 45g  of cholesterol, and 570mg  of sodium made it practically inedible but, sadly, it was not meant to be.  In fact, I’m now thinking, fuck apples, canned pig might just be what Adam offered Eve in the Garden of Eden instead.  This shit is that  awesome!

Of course, there’s still the off chance I might have taken an entire decade off my life expectancy for every morsel I consumed of this little heart-stopping indulgence but, hey, at least I can die now a wiser and well-satiated man.

God Help Me.

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  1. Kelly

     /  April 4, 2013

    To be fair (to me) here, in this little scenario, I’m fairly certain that you didn’t come home to me saying that Klik was *for* dinner.

    It has never been a secret from my Ukrainian-food childhood that Klik was served *with* perogies at dinner and in my humble opinion you’ve dodged a bullet in making it 19 months without having to have tried it !

    I will not dispute that it’s not the healthiest of choices for a protein with dinner, but hey, in the olden days when fresh meat was not available, it was a cheap alternative protein to be served to make the meal complete.
    And who am I to mess with what has traditionally been served with perogies in my formative years. Klik is to perogies what cheese is to macaroni !

    Be thankful that I really only eat/crave perogies once or twice a year. And I’m thinking that the onion butter sauce and sour cream didn’t help in the cardiac department either 😉


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