Academy Schmademy

I was channel surfing a bit on the boob tube last night when I happened upon the Academy Awards.  Holy shit!  Really?  The Academy Awards?  I literally had no idea they were even on, but then it hit me:  I have no more idea of what could possibly qualify as an Academy Award hopeful this year than I do on how to defuse an atomic bomb.  Seriously, since becoming a pseudo step dad, if it’s not pixelated, 3-D, or featuring the voice over of some celebrity sitcom has been, it probably didn’t even register as a blip on my cultural radar.  After all, I sincerely doubt that the chances are good that either ‘Wreck It Ralph’ or ‘Ice Age 4’  are potential candidates for Best Picture, are they?

So I quickly checked out the 2012 nominees.   Apparently, ‘Life of Pi’  has something to do about some dude in a boat with a tiger.  Ahhhh, okay.  Hardly sounds like another ‘Saving Private Ryan‘ if you ask me.  Then there’s ‘Argo’, the grossly Hollywood-ized account of the 1979 Tehran hostage crisis that Ben Affleck fucked up beyond all reasonable recognition.  At least I had heard a little something about both these movies.  But how about ‘Lincoln,’ which sounds about as much fun as a root canal.  Just what this world needs; another long ass Daniel Day Lewis movie.  Imagine what sitting through that flick with HRH  might have been like?  I’d rather have my eyeballs buffed with sandpaper, thank you very much.  Then there’s  ‘Django Unchained’ , by Quentin Tarantino.  Unfortunately, I went through my spaghetti western phase back in university when I was a chronic pot smoker and nothing better to do t waste a Saturday afternoon with, sorry Quentin.  I suppose I could sip some of HRH’s No More Tears‘ and give it a whirl one evening when she’s in bed but, seriously, I can’t be bothered.  And, lastly, ‘Zero Dark Thirty’  which is, well, what I simply refer to as my bedtime nowadays.  Who the hell even knows what either ‘Armour’, ‘Beasts of Southern Wild’, or ‘Silver Linings Playbook’ are about.  Sure beats the shit out of me.

It’s true; I am an underachieving nexus in this universe when it comes to modern cinema and not having a fucking clue these days.  When did this happen?  When did I lose touch with the arts?  It’s the ACADEMY AWARDS, for Christ sakes!  I used to love watching the Academy Awards, and now I can barely even make it past ‘Best Cinematography’ before I’m sawing logs in my comfy chair.  Now, the only cinema I ever see comes with a ‘G’ rating and the only art I ever admire anymore are hand drawn crayon pictures of princesses with my name scrolled across it.  Oh well, whatever the case, I think I’d rather just watch another episode of ‘Chopped‘ this year and simply read about the winners in the morning over coffee.

God help me.

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