Adventures in Drudgery

Inevitably, part of being a step-dad is that you have to involve yourself in the child’s interests, whatever they may be.  It also inevitably means that you almost never to get to watch your favorite television programs anymore should they happen to air around bedtime.  Yes, it’s true.  One of HRH’s favorite interests is the nightly ritual of ‘cuddle time’ in the comfy chair downstairs before bed; she craves it like others might crave water, or chocolate.  It’s simply a part of her regular evening ritual every much as brushing her teeth and going to the bathroom.  And who am I to complain if she likes to cuddle with me?  I certainly can’t blame her…I’m totally cuddle-worthy.  And, hey, if it helps gets to bed smoothly without raising a fuss, then so be it.

So suck it up, buttercup.

Now, I’m not talking about just any ‘ol television here, certainly not UFC, reruns of the A-Team, anything on the Food Network, or something that I can get engrossed in as well, I’m talking about kid-friendly FAMILY BROADCASTING here (the two most feared words in the carefree bachelor’s vocabulary, i.e. no boobs); not exactly stimulating television for a 40-year old man’s man.  To date, I have seen just about every episode of ‘Dog with a Blog’, ‘Shake It Up’, ‘Jesse’, ‘Wizards of Waverly Place’, ‘Austin & Ally’, and my personal favorite ‘Good Luck Charlie.   As long as it’s not ‘Caillou’, I can usually endure anything for 30 minutes or so if it means I get some quiet time afterwards.  Now, besides these regular weekly offerings of commercial Disney pap, I also DVR all the popular movies to watch on the weekends if I can get her to settle down long enough.  I have seen just about every animated, pixelated and 3D blockbuster kid’s movie known to mankind; ‘Shrek’, ‘Robots’, ‘Toy Story’, you freakin’ name it.  By now, I have sat through every ‘Ice Age’ movie ever released, so much so that Robert Iger and I are practically on a first name basis given the number of royalty checks he’s received on my behalf.  And you know what?  Sometimes it’s not so bad.  Some of these flicks can be somewhat entertaining; others, not so much.  It’s rather like spinning the roulette wheel of pain each night when we choose what to watch together.

However, there is one movie that I would definitely caution all other parents about:  ‘The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl’.  Never have I had to suffer through such an extreme case cinematic dog shit as I did last night.  Seriously, I’d rather have hot lava poured down my shorts and my dangly bits fed to starving sharks than sit through this absolute carnage of a movie again.

This movie is what would happen if an eight-year-old were to sit down and write Inception, and not in a good way either.  The special effects are absolutely terrible as the kids are surrounded by really poor animation and CG and the story rather feels like they were making it up as they went along.  I hate to be so harsh, but WTF?  Shouldn’t there be at least some standard for scripting kids movies?  None of it actually made any sense.  “For every person who dreams up the electric light bulb, there’s the one who dreams up the atom bomb.”  The fuck?  I don’t know, but that’s kind of morbid for a kids’ movie don’t you think?  It damn near gave me nightmares!

God Help Me!

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