Boogers. It’s What’s for Breakfast.

As a child, one of the worst stigmatisms that could ever happen to you, would be getting caught with your index finger firmly wedged up your nostril; worst still if you were then seen chowing down on the procured nuggets mined from within.  Hell, you’d likely be forever labeled with an infliction of atomic cooties.  Seinfeld taught me that.  But I won’t lie here either; I’ve definitely been caught as a child strip-mining my nasal cavity from time to time.  In fact, my father used to joke that if he ever wanted to break my finger he’d only have to boot me in the face.  Harsh, I know, but that was back in the 70’s so comments like that were more appropriate and harmless than they are nowadays.

But hang onto your butts, the medical community has now officially announced that chronically picking your nose and eating it, a condition known as ‘mucophagy’, is actually good for you.  Excuse me?

But it’s true.  An Australian doctor has gained some recent fame by announcing to the word that eating boogers actually boosts your immune system.  Yup, he actually advocates this behavior as a healthy benefit for children and suggests that those who do are “happier, healthier and more in tune with their bodies”.  Umm, gross.  What next?  Not changing your underwear daily prevents cancer?

The idea behind this wild concept is that by consuming the dried germ corpses left behind in the filters of your nose (known as the ‘cilia’), it actually helps the body to strengthen its immune system when it reaches the digestive tract.  The end result (nasty as it is) is that this digestion of collected bacteria will somehow aid children at being more efficient at fighting off sickness and disease in the long run.  Hey, ‘three cheers for eating boogers!’  I suppose.

If this were true, then I should be the healthiest person on the planet – I confess.  But, truthfully, I almost never see HRH with her finger up her nose.  Not even once as a matter of fact.  She seems to have this otherwise natural impulse totally in check.  Weird, I know.  So, if this whole pro-booger munching movement is true, how do I (or should I) encourage her to start?  Do I start by setting a precedence and begin picking my nose and munching away in plain view of God and everyone?  This all seems a bit odd to me.

This doctor also suggests that parents should unanimously adopt a new approach where children are encouraged to pick their nose.  Oh, goodie.  Imagine that conversation:  “Hey, don’t fill up on snot…dinners almost ready!”  I’m definitely not comfortable going there.  But then again, fuck brussel sprouts, maybe I should just start adding boogers to her diet totally unbeknownst to her; perhaps a few nose goblins secretly added to her bowl of Cheerios in the morning, or simply go flat out and offer ‘Snot Dogs’ for dinner, I don’t know.  This is totally alien territory.

God help me.

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