The Zombie Queen Cometh

I already knew about HRH’s tendency to sleepwalk when I first moved in, but that was typically something that mommy usually looks after.  To me, it’s just creepy.  The first indication that she’s up and about is when you hear her plodding across the living floor in her bare feet towards our bedroom; seriously, this seven-year-old child sounds like Godzilla as she stomps across the hardwood floors.  Then the door opens and she’s standing there like the walking dead with a lifeless look in her eyes; wild, crazy hair swept all over the place.  It reminds me of that scene from Firestarter.



But mommy simply gets up and directs the child back to bed or, to the bathroom, or, whatever, and it’s all done and taken care of and we can go back to sleep.  She doesn’t respond vocally to questions or requests and she usually seems rather bewildered, but she follows orders pretty well.  And none of it does she ever remember in the morning.  But like I said, it’s not something I’ve had to deal with directly…until recently.

Mom had already gone to bed and I was downstairs Googling on the computer while basking in the glow of late night television, when I heard the plodding of sleepy feet coming down the stairs.  Uh-oh!  There she was…the Zombie Princess.

“Hi kiddo”, I managed to squeak out.

No response.

“Is everything okay?”


“Are you going to kill me?”


Oh boy.  Where’s mommy when you need her?

“Okay, kiddo, let’s go back to bed”, I continued hopefully…almost pleadingly.  Upon which, to my utter surprise, she turned on her heel and retreated back up the stairs…no complaint.

“Why don’t you go to the bathroom first”, I said, thinking that it was the wise paternal thing to do.  She did…again, no argument or hesitation.

Afterwards, she crawled back into bed under my direction and I tucked her back in, and that was it.  Problem solved.  Cool!

It’s like having my very own robot.  What was I so worried about?  I could get used to this.  In fact, why can’t she be this obedient all the time?  Hell, next time I might just put her to work before I send her back to bed.  Why not?  It’s not like she’s going to remember in the morning is it?  I could have her do the vacuuming, clean the bathroom, do the dishes, scoop out the kitty litter, cut the grass (although I’m sure the neighbors wouldn’t be too impressed with a running lawn mower in the middle of the night), clean her room…the possibilities are limitless.  Shit, if I play my cards right I could completely remodel the garage, repaint the house, landscape the yard, refinish the deck along with whatever other random home renovation I can conjure up worth doing by the end of the summer. Sure, ‘Family and Child Services’ might have something to say about it, but as long as she’s not complaining…what can they really do?

God help me.

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  1. Kelly

     /  August 22, 2012

    I still remember the look of horror on your face that first night she came walking in, all Drew Barrymore Firestarter circa 1984 lol !

  2. Jan

     /  August 23, 2012

    I’m thinking that the look on your face when you saw her heading down the stairs towards you was more than enough to send her back to bed all by herself!

  3. Jan

     /  August 23, 2012

    Just a thought, in case you haven’t learned this yet…both little girls and BIG girls love tuck ins!


  5. linda mccormick

     /  August 27, 2012

    I absolutely love this and can picture K laughing her head off in the morning when you tell her that it was you having to deal with her dear little girlie!!! God Help You? God Bless you, you are adorable. And by the way? I love firestarter and sometimes think in my head when I am angry at a person who shall remain nameless. ” Burst into flames, Burst into flames” but they don’t and then we have to settle it like sudo adults.. Sleep tight! and give those girls big hugs from me! xoxoxo


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