Cranking on Caillou

“So many things to do

Each day there’s something new

I’ll share them with you

I’m Caillou”

Just these opening words are enough to send me running for the power drill.  Seriously.

For the uninitiated or childless: Caillou (pronounced ‘Kai-You’) is a cartoon about a four-year old Canadian boy who is bald.  Yes, bald.  He’s the Canuck version of Charlie Brown I guess.  He has a sister named Rosie and a cat named Gilbert.  The cartoon follows his adventures (and when I use the word “adventures”, I am using it very loosely) and now that we have Netflix, HRH  will watch this animated drivel endlessly…particularly today as she’s off from school sick.

I am developing a deep, intense loathing for this fictional child.  Seriously, if this was a real kid I’d inevitably beat on him mercilessly with a sock full of pennies.  For starters, he giggles constantly.  Is that normal behavior for a four year-old or is that an early warning sign that he’s going to grow up to be a serial killer?  Honestly, I foresee some lampshades made of human skin in this kid’s future.  He giggles when he puts on his snow pants; at his grandfather’s stupid jokes; at getting a spoon from a cabinet.  Hell, most of his giggling is prompted by things that arn’t even inherently fun, or what one might even consider as laugh-inducing experiences.  So either the show is trying to brainwash children into thinking that they need to always be happy or there is something seriously wrong with this kid. Personally, I’m voting the latter and hiding the carving knife just in case any of this should ever wash off on HRH.

Secondly, what’s with all the whining?  C’mon already!  It’s enough to make me want to punch kittens in the face, that’s how angry I get.  I’d rather floss with Robin Williams’ chest hair than listen to another second of this kids incessant bitching, griping and moaning.  And what does have to whine about really?  Nothing!  He’s just another material kid living in a material world who ends up crying like a disgraced televangelist at the drop of a hat should he not immediately get his way.  Shit, I should have it so lucky.  You know what I got when I acted like a whiny brat when I was a four-year old kid?  A big steaming pile of sweet ‘fuck all’, that’s what.

Now, if any of this poor behavior should ever begin to rub off on HRH,  you can bet your sweet bippy that I’ll pull the plug on this Caillou bullshit quicker than you can say “Pucker up, Mr. Mittens”.  And that’s a guarantee!

God help me.

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  1. Kate Swift

     /  June 19, 2012

    You are right to fear Caillou.. He is awful. Several of my friends blame their children’s tantrum theatrics on the opening scene alone…

    but check this out..


  2. j-me

     /  June 25, 2012

    It’s somewhat comforting to know that someone else out there would bring death to an animated child. My daughter doesn’t watch this one, but even the ‘commercials’ on the Sprout channel are enough to make my wife and I bananas. We nearly turn into murderers when we hear “Caillou is next here on SPROUT” NO, no he is not next. i will never be next.


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