“Ugly Clothes”

It’s just what every ex-bachelor wants to hear from his girlfriend:

“Wow.  You sure have a lot of ugly clothes!”

Doesn’t that just make you want to crawl into a hole somewhere and die?  Well, not really, but it’s none too flattering that’s for sure.  It’s true though, I have a crapton of ugly clothes; I’m no David Beckham, I won’t deny it.  What can I say?  In the past 15-20 years of living alone I’ve gone through a lot of different, shall we say, ‘styles’…most of which were “ugly” apparently.  So now I know why I was single for so long.  Thanks for shedding some light, dear.

Where I recognize that some of my clothes, okay, most of my clothes, are pretty tacky and loud – hell, in some cases they make Elton John’s get-ups look like a Haitian earthquake victim – they do represent periods of my past life and although these particular fashion trends may have gone the way of the Dodo, the memories still remain.  Besides, I figure every guy has a favorite glittery eye-sore of a shirt hidden somewhere in the recesses of his closet, right?  I just happen to have more than your average guy given that I’ve been single for nearly 40 years.  That’s my excuse anyway.

Granted, I’ve become more of a casual jean and t-shirt kind of guy now and most of these ugly clothes are ultimately going to end up on the rack at the local Good Will anyway, I’d still like to share with you some of these more, well, ‘craptastic’  threads that you might expect to see on your average homeless person living under a bridge, or sleeping on a park bench somewhere in the near future.

First of all, this picture really doesn’t do this shirt any justice as its full majestic sparkle value is practically lost no matter what angle you take the picture from.  But, believe me, when the light hits this shirt right you can practically see it from orbit.  I mentioned before that every bachelor has at least one God awful sparkly shirt in his wardrobe where back in the day after a few bong hits, we’d just back and enjoy staring at ourselves for hours on end; ‘Like, wow, I’m so sparkly man!’, where, now, not so much I guess.  But, still, it might come in handy at some future 70’s disco theme party, or what have you.  I’d better keep this one for those rare occasions, or whenever HRH drives me back to the pot.

And speaking of Disco, I found this here orange beauty while browsing Toronto’s Kensington’s Market on weekend and it went on to see more parties in my last two years of university than Steve Rubell.  Prior to that, it was probably hanging as a set of drapes in somebody’s basement rumpus room. You can practically still smell the shag carpeting and patchouli incense on it.  Once again, this vintage treasure was secretly huddled into a bottom drawer for safe keeping.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, this one I’ll give her.  It’s like somebody was mixing their tacky with some bathtub gin and then threw it up all over this shirt.  The real scary part is that there used to be matching shorts to go with it, so, consider yourself lucky dear.

Here’s another vintage 70’s classic that, obviously, has seen better days.  I got this diamond-patterned retro gem from a retired rock stars Garage Sale along with a black leather vest that’s gone missing somewhere down the line.  I remember sporting this essence of fashion hipness at clubs and underground raves back in the day.  I’d otherwise hang on to it for memento sake, but I figured it’s time to pass it on to another young hipster ready to breathe some party back into it.  Either that or it’ll make a pretty snazzy rag to buff someone’s Ford Pinto.

Okay, sometimes there’s just no justifying bad taste. I have no idea what was going through my mind when I purchased this so I have no excuses apart from the fact that I was probably under the influence of some pretty strong meds at the time.

Once again, I have no real explanation for this particular get-up.  On the contrary to what Kelly may believe, I did not wear this shirt with black tights, slippers and a felt hat with a feather stuck in the brim; and although I may act like the boy who refuses to grow up, this is not part of some creepy Peter Pan fetish.  I purchased this as a souvenir recently while on vacation in Cancun, Mexico where I participated in a Half Ironman competition…yeah, that’s no eunuch Peter Pan shit is it? No.  So despite what this shirt might suggest, dear, I assure you, I’m still all man with the appropriate grapefruit-sized man bits.  So there!

Likewise, with this shirt; it was purchased for me from a past student of mine from Pakistan so, rest assured, this was not part of some ‘Fresh Prince of Bel Air’  dashiki phase or something.  Promise!  Anyway, it’s, like, sized for a Ken doll so it’s never been worn nor was it ever going to be.  I merely kept it on the off-chance that, well, never mind…toss it.

Furthermore, I have no excuses for these abominations either apart from that they were cool at some point.  Okay, maybe never.  Whatever.

Yeah, it’s pink.  So what of it?  Pink was cool once, remember Don Johnson and Miami Vice?  Yeah.

No, this is not a Bill Cosby throw away sweater vest.  My mom actually bought this.  Are you really going to dispute my MOTHER’S  taste in clothes?  Really, Kelly…really?  Tread lightly there girlfriend, I was just being a good son.  Now having said that it’s, like, three sizes too big now so I concede in letting it go.  You’re welcome.

Of course, there were others on this master “Ugly” list as well, but definitely not as grievous or offensive in their appearance.  And, for the record, all but two of these articles of clothing were donated to the Good Will without complaint or remorse so, in my books, all’s well that ends well.  And, thank God, she hasn’t found my big bag of tie-dies yet

God help me.

Leave a comment


  1. It was just mentioned to me by a work colleague that having one’s girlfriend get rid of your clothes was something equatable to a “ritual castration”. Yeah, not liking that so much.

  2. Kelly

     /  February 29, 2012

    I’m so glad that I still have all the original pictures to this post ! You missed the worst offender …. and I have so much to say I don’t even know where to start !!
    It’ll keep til I get home from work ❤

  3. Carolyn

     /  March 2, 2012

    Ha. The first time I met my husband I noticed his horrible shoes and shirt. Being a nice gal, I let it slide, eventually married him, and then went in for the kill. First things first, got rid of those shoes. Man it was such a struggle. Next up was the clothes, who like you, had lots of single bachelor days on him. I once got busted with a bag of his goods in my trunk going to goodwill when he helped me take in groceries.

    I credit any small sense of fashion to myself now. There still is nothing I can do about the fact he eats like a 2yo therefore ruins anew shirt almost instantly.

  4. So, today was ‘Hawaiian Shirt Day’ at the office place but, alas, I have no more Hawaiian shirts. Wonder why that is? So, besides sticking out as a “Negative Nelly” and targeting myself for ridicule amongst my co-workers and business peers, I also don’t qualify for a complimentary hot dog nor smiley sticker for my desk. Total suck job.

    In fact, my boss might just swing by to issue me my walking papers for being a total wet blanket all because my beloved Hawaiian shirts are currently being donned by the ‘less-than-fortunate’, shall we say. Thanks, babe!

    The good news is, however, that I might just have an opportunity to acquire some of them back in trade for, say, a banana, when I join them down at the local homeless shelter.

  5. Kelly

     /  June 6, 2012

    Well, you know … you could have worn that lovely black and red sparkly shirt in a pinch. Or perhaps you might have gone and borrowed one of your Hawaiian shirts back from a poor homeless man. And perhaps you might have spent the night in his digs, which would in turn have helped you see that your Hawaiian shirt-less situation could be MUCH MUCH worse !

  6. Kelly

     /  June 6, 2012

    regardless, I’m fairly certain that you’d much rather live with me in my cushy comfy house as opposed to a shacking up with a homeless Hawaiian shirt wearing dude ;-P


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