How to Screw with a Seven-Year-Old’s Mind

This weekend marked another significant milestone in the whole ‘Sekrit Plan’, namely, Operation: Cat Relocation.  We figured it was easier to move the cats a bit early as they were beginning to get a bit stressed watching everything disappear from the apartment.  They already have abandonment issues from their previous owner (for the long story click HERE), so we thought this was the best course of action.  Of course, HRH was already pretty stoked at the prospect of getting two new pets to play with so it all seemed pretty ideal.  Me?  Big deal!  But TWO CATS?!  How quick can you get here?  I see how it really is.

God help me.

Whatever the case, Operation: Cat Relocation went off this Friday without a hitch, well, maybe just a few hitches.  For starters Tina didn’t want to fit into the cardboard carrying box I got from the vet for her and she plowed through that like it was a wet paper bag, so she traveled to our destination stowed away under the passenger side seat instead.  Oscar just yowled from the back seat at the top of his lungs for the whole trip.  Once there, Tina immediately hid under the stairs and Oscar took up residency beneath the refrigerator.  HRH was thrilled nonetheless.  Perfect!  Mission accomplished.

The mind screw starts thusly.  Later in the evening, once Oscar decided to come out of hiding, he immediately decided to express his pent up anxiety by shitting our bed – literally.  I wish I was joking here.  I mean, really, I bring over my furry babies and within the first 24 hours one has already dropped a turd between the sheets of our new marital bed.  I’m lucky I wasn’t sent packing to the curb right then and there…cats n’ all.  Thank God, Kelly is pretty cool like that.

However, it has been said that when God (or, in this case, Oscar) closes a window he opens a door, or some bullshit like that.  So the glass is half full picture here is that this, shall we say, ‘incident’, also opened up the window for the prank of the century; one so absolutely diabolical in its Machiavellian scope that it confounds the brain to consider it. Yeah, I’m pretty much the Lex Luther of practical joking.

So the next day I stopped off and picked up a small bag of Tootsie Rolls from the Bulk Barn and, later, when HRH was occupied eating her dinner consisting of a “Bowl of Evil” (cottage cheese)  I took the opportunity to fashion these Tootsie Rolls into impromptu cat turds.  I know, I’m a regular Picasso.  Afterwards, I slipped one of the offending fake turds onto HRH’s bed.  And, I must say, there was little difference aesthetically between this fake Tootsie Roll turd and the real thing, let me tell you.  I’m actually kinda proud of this.

Tootsie Roll or cat turd? You be the judge.

After a small initial ‘crying of wolf’  regarding Oscar slinking out of HRH’s bedroom she immediately left her Evil to inspect her room…and there it greeted her in all its turdy goodness.  After a minor freak out, Kelly and I were obviously called to the scene of the crime, but I was just getting the ball rolling.  Upon arriving to the room, I proceeded to closely inspect said turd including my poking it, sniffing it, picking it up for closer inspection and then, finally, the granddaddy of all horrors, I bit into it.

Lamby discovers the turd.

To say that HRH merely flipped out would be the understatement of the year.  It was more like a full on standing seizure complete with shrieking, wailing, and a whole lot of “Mommy, Terry just ate cat poop!!” , and “Oh my Gawd!!”  Her eyes were like saucers…well, what I saw of them as she was shielding them behind her fingers in disgust anyway.  It was beautiful and, yes, it was all captured on video.  ‘Diem’ perfectly ‘carped’ in my opinionSeriously, I haven’t had this much fun since Frosh Week.

Furthermore, I still have other fake Tootsie Roll turds on reserve so I can randomly begin adding them to my breakfast Cheerios, or in future salads, or whatever.  You know, just to keep the prank alive a little in that gullible seven-year-old brain of hers.  And, there is also the random chance that one may just turn up in her packed school lunch at some point as well just for good measure.  Hey, it’s just part of the ‘High Protein Diet’.

I think I’m going to like this whole step-parenting gig.  God help me, of course.

Leave a comment


  1. Kelly

     /  February 21, 2012

    This is about as far as the practical joking goes though, it’s not nice to mess too much with the innocent 7 year old mind ….. and if Oscar decides to leave me any further ‘presents’ (after the one in the tub last night, ewwwwww) , I reserve the right to save those real ones and substitute them in your diet at my discretion 😉

  2. Carolyn

     /  February 21, 2012

    This is funny shit! Good work!!!


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